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Claire Kamp Dush, Department of Human Development and Family Science

Posted on | February 17, 2010 | 2,244 views | Comments Off

What is the state of marriage in the US?
Many people are worried about marriage in the US. Actually, marriage in the US is still very healthy. The divorce rate has decreased slightly recently, and the overwhelming majority of high school seniors want to get married. Young people are waiting longer to marry, troubling some, but because those married at younger ages are at a greater risk of having unhappy marriages and divorcing, this is a positive change. Indeed, married spouses in the US tend to have better health, more happiness and less drug and alcohol abuse.

What are the two most important issues facing marriage in the US today?
The first issue is that marriage in the US is not universally accessible. Fewer than half of people with incomes near or below the poverty line are married while more than 80 percent of those with annual incomes of more than $75,000 are married. Research has shown that poor couples are unmarried not because they value marriage any less, but rather because they value marriage too highly. Couples think that before marrying, they need to be economically stable, have a house and pay for a big wedding with a fancy reception. So, because some of the poor may never attain the economic resources needed to do these things, couples simply live together unmarried.

Another group that does not have universal access to marriage is gay and lesbian couples. The fact that the use of the term “marriage” for gay and lesbian couples’ committed relationships has stirred such a contentious fight in the US, and that gay and lesbian couples continue to denounce other terms like “civil union” and seek the actual term “marriage” for their legal unions, are further evidence of the importance of marriage.

The second issue that is of concern is that couples have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Marital scholars have been arguing for the past 10 years that marriage in the US has become too individualistic. Husbands and wives go into marriage with, and hold their spouses to, standards that are almost impossible to meet. Our spouse is supposed to be our best friend and closest confidant, a completely satisfying sexual partner and is expected to satisfy virtually all of our intimate needs. That is a lot of pressure to put on one relationship! It is basically impossible for a single person to satisfy our every emotional need. Yet in many marriages, if one spouse perceives they are not having their needs met, they will become unsatisfied and may begin to look outside the marriage for someone to meet their needs — whether emotional or sexual.

What do you suggest for couples who are having problems?
I would suggest that couples together see a therapist or someone in their community who has experience helping couples, such as a pastor. It is better to do this sooner rather than later. We have the Couple and Family Therapy Clinic right on campus. This clinic sees not only married couples but will work with unmarried couples and entire families. In my marriage, I try to remember what I heard a marital expert say: “Your marriage is like a 2×4. You can put nails in the board, but even when you pull them out, the holes are still there.” Try to avoid holes in your marriage or relationships. Have realistic expectations for your spouse or partner, and make sure you have other close family relationships and friendships that can also meet your emotional needs. Always strive to treat your partner or spouse with love and respect and to love them the way they want to be loved.

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